"MURDER McBADASS HERE. STORIES ARE MANLY."

I'M BACK
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BITCHES!
MURDER MCBADASS HERE and I have a GOD DAMN AWESOME story for you. If SHARKS aren't POURING OUT YOUR BUTTHOLE by the end of this story, I HAVE FAILED AT LITERATURE.
LITERATURE IS MANLY!
Now that you're suitably excited, let's get on to the GOD DAMN BADASS story. Much like my critically appraised poem (It was critically appraised! By at least one critic! ONE!) this story will be the best story ever written in the history of ever! EVER IN HISTORY. 
Let's get started.
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BITCHES!
Once upon a time, there was a beef-fed grain-fed dragon.
With PECS.
This dragon, much like the author of this story, was a GOD DAMN LEGEND.
Being the stuff of legends (GOD DAMN ONES!) , this dragon was wildly popular and also incredibly pretty.
And also handsome.
And good-looking.
SCREW IT. Get out a GOD DAMN thesaurus and look up synonyms for attractive! This dragon is literally all of these words in addition to a word that I just made up!
EXPLOTRACTIVE.
The dragon of our story was EXPLOSIVELY ATTRACTIVE.
I broke some basic rules of proper story writing and ruined the immersion! I apologize! But while I have your attention, why does it take so long to grill a ham sandwich?? It's RICE-FED BULLSHIT!
But anyway, our dragon was explotractive.
And wildly popular.
One day, a significantly less explotractive man approached the dragon's lair.
"Dragon," the man queefed out his GOD DAMN ugly face "You stole and totally made kissing sounds at my lady friend!"
The dragon, of course, had done nothing of the sort. He had merely saved a pretty lady in danger. 
He remembered it like it was only yesterday...
Which it was.
It was twenty-four hours ago.
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BITCHES!
A pretty lady dangled over a pit of piranha-infested corn-fed acid. 
And our dragondary (IT MEANS LEGENDARY DRAGON. READ A BOOK!)  hero was having negative ten of that!
NEGATIVE TEN IS LESS THAN NONE.
"Oh my stars and other balls of densely-packed gas and beef-fed grain-fed goodness," the pretty lady ooo'd out her ahhh "is that an explotractive dragon here to save me and also make kissing sounds at me later?"
Luckily for our lady friend, IT PRETTY MUCH GOD DAMN WAS.
But the significantly less explotractive man queefing out his accusations from his GOD DAMN UGLY-ass face didn't know that.
AND OUR HERO DRAGON KNOWS HOW TO EXPLOIT STUPIDITY.
"Nah man," our explotractive dragondary legendragon (READ A BOOK!) exploded out his kissing-sound hole, "that wasn't me."
"Oh," the less explotractive wimpy buttface wiener loser-fart burped out his ass face "My bad, dog."
The less explotractive man left our dragondary beef-fed grain-fed legendragon hero in peace.
To make kissing sounds at that hot chick he rescued earlier.
For at least SIXTY SECONDS.
And so our hero-dragon and lady friend lived happily ever after.
Until they died in a GOD DAMN BADASS knife-gun-boxing-cannon showdown to the DEATH!
In SPACE.
FIGHTS TO THE DEATH IN SPACE ARE MANLY.

So there you have it. The best GOD DAMN BADASS story written in the history of ever. If sharks aren't POURING OUT YOUR BUTTHOLE you need medical attention, stat! Your imagination gland needs a replacement! I'll be back in the future to regale you with more tales of excitement, boobs, wieners, explosions, GOD DAMN MOUNTAIN DEW, and other badass things!
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BITCHES!