College campuses are packed with people. Short people, tall people, skinny people, fat people, almost literally any kind of person can be on a college campus. As such, one would think it would be a great place to meet people. This may prove to be true in a lot of cases, but for others, it simply is not. College campuses can seem TOO jam-packed with too many different kinds of people to talk to, creating a somewhat "Social Paralysis." This is true in my case.
I am at a loss of what to do. I have met many people and gotten many numbers. I have been to parties. I have gone to fund raising events, done community service, and anything else I can think of to continue to meet new people and create new experiences. However, I cannot shake the feeling that I am as lonely as I have ever been. I might actually be more lonely now that I am surrounded by people every day.
These new people that I have met share so little in common with me or seemingly care so little about the conversation that the interactions with said people seem hollow or meaningless. Indeed, this may be part of my own social ineptitude. But what, if anything, am I to do if these interactions continue to feel hollow?
I have been told that I will make lasting friends in college. However, my lasting friends that I grew up with have now almost totally moved on with their lives and no longer keep in contact with me. Am I to meet more people so they can later ditch me because their lives become too busy? Am I to continuously replace friends with new people when they exit my lives? From the council I have been given, this seems to be the most common answer.
But do relationships mean so little? Should I simply move on with my life and recall the people I have built relationships with, romantic or otherwise, as simple memories?
"Oh, yeah. I went to college with that guy. I can't remember his name."
The above sentence is the end result, at least for me. Why should I continue to make relationships when I will just forget people later? I won't actually forget them, as their faces, voices, and mannerisms will be imprinted in my brain, but I might as well forget. What is the point of remembering someone if all I can remember is something they did that was funny at one particular party? Why should I remember that? Should I not simply take the time I was at said remembered party and do something more constructive with myself?
Maybe the answer lies within self-improvement. If I cannot meet others in a way that I can truly feel companionship, perhaps I should learn to be alone. Perhaps if I improve upon myself, I can feel at peace with strictly myself, and other people will not matter. Other people are indeed a source of intrigue and happiness, it's true but they are also a source of emotional pain and trauma. This is the case for myself, as well.
If I can control the emotional trauma I cause myself and be at peace within my own person, perhaps I will learn how to do so with others. I am finding my way. But for now...
I am surrounded by people.
I am alone.
I am hurt.
I will bleed.
And I will press forward.
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