"I AM MURDER McBADASS."

I AM MURDER McBADASS.
You may assume the bolded caps lock above would be a typo.
YOU WOULD BE INCORRECT.
Bolding in caps lock makes readers GOD DAMN EXCITED. So god damn excited that SHARKS WILL POUR OUT THEIR BUTTHOLES.
So. Many. SHARKS.
But let's get down to the nitty-gritty, for all you edumacated folks out there.
THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST GOD DAMN POEM EVER CREATED. IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.
Ladies and gents, hold on your your testicles and top hats! This is about to GET REAL.
Ahem.
Once upon a time.
There was a boy who could not rhyme.
So he resorted to using comedy at the right time.
Testicles.
Poems were not necessarily his strong suit,
But out his ass shot monster toots. (BREAK TIME. MONSTER TOOTS ARE MANLY.)
The ladies of the land did so appreciate
This man with so many lavish tastes
Many pirates did he pillage
Ladies did he have
Oh my god so many ladies. (AT LEAST ONE.)
But DAMN did the ladies love him.
It was true.
And in the loving did they screw.
In his lightbulbs for him. (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.)
But along one day came a man named 'Mick'
And did old Mick by chance did kick
Our noble boy
Who took that kick
But not before the ladies sucked his
Dirt. Off the floor with a vacuum. (SERIOUSLY GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE SEXISM.)
Who took that kick
But not before the men sucked his (BOOM. FIXED.)
Dirt. Off the floor with a vacuum. While watching FOOTBALL. WOOO! EXPLOSIONS AND PUSSY!
In the end it was the boy who won.
By kicking Mick not in the chesticles
But nay (HORSES SAY NEIGH!)
Directly in his weasel testicles.

BOOM. THE BEST POEM IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. BITCHES. 

*Note from the author: This blog post was primarily to let out my bizarre sense of humor. This blog features many pieces, as it is 100% unfiltered writings of my soul. That being said, part of my soul, and by extension, me, has a bizarre sense of humor. In the future, there will most likely be more posts like this. If anyone was offended in any way, I truly am sorry. But every once in awhile I will let the humor beast out. And it will probably look something like this uh...poem. The goal of this blog is to keep my writings 100% purely and, unapologetically, "me."