"Maelstrom"

Every day I seek to find
Any meaning in the maelstrom of my mind
Understanding all
But knowing nothing
Gaining deeper knowledge
But learning little.
My brain is a trap.
Inside me is something I cannot explain
Something not right
Something as I sit and ponder keeps me up and night
I feel a separation of body and soul.
My body does not match who I am, or why I am
Even if I knew
I don't know what I'd do.
Must I live every day in fear
Wondering what lies so near
And why I am even here?
Some say it is a matter of science
Some of faith
But these answers are not answers; they are ways to feel safe.
There is something greater going on and most yet do not know it
But this is something I know, even if I can't show it.
So every day my brain yells and screams to tell
So every day I live in hell.
I know not what to do or say
As I do not know who or what I am
I only hope that some day I will learn
So I will no longer be concerned.
In this maelstrom of a mind I am trapped with no escape
This maelstrom of a mind seems to be my fate.
My body, mind, and soul are at odds
Not unlike warring gods
Sometimes the body, sometimes soul, sometimes mind, are the victors.
But in this conflict of entities, there are no true victories.
One will win, but all will lose.
This is no longer a matter of endurance or grit
Everything I do not know.
And I don't know what will become of it.
I am scared of my body, soul, and mind.
I am scared of what I will find.
I do not know who or what I am
or why I belong.
Until the long, long time on earth is done
I will never know; my answers? None.
I may appear to be fine and well
But every day I live in hell.